Hello My name is Janella and I have an Addiction to Food
This is my story
By the end of this post I will have exposed all my dirty laundry about myself in regards to food and my health. I have an addiction to food that has spiraled out of control and its time to get my life back.
Some people have addictions, to alcohol, sex, gambling, pills, stealing etc, and mine is to food. I suffer from Anxiety minor OCD, and depression and I am guilty of using food to self medicate my feelings. I don’t like to feel uncomfortable with my emotional issues and using food to numb the pain; I often feel takes the edge off. Many of you who are close to me see the selfies and the other pictures that I post on social media.
However no one truly knows the daily battle of anxiety that I deal with its one of those topics where people are so uneducated about it, their comments are quite often irritating and hurtful. Living with Anxiety is both overbearing to my family as well as myself. Food is what I use as an outlet or distraction to take my mind off. Yes I said off, meaning no thinking. My brain is my worst enemy sometimes in terms of everyday life, it has instilled fears, brought up traumatic experiences, damaged my self esteem, my intimate life with my husband,my duties as a wife & mother and down right played tricks with me. Almost to the point where I sometimes think I am going insane. Over the last 4 years I had become more spiritual, I tried harder to pray obediently, kept still and listening to what God had planned for my life. I had my excessive comfort eating under control by doing daily devotionals and seeking medical help from my physician who then referred me to a Metabolic Doctor. There I was monitored and placed on a strict eating plan of just leafy greens, Extra lean protein no sugars, carbs, root veggies and low sodium which in turn had my IBS under control too . Along with being diligent with a strict fitness routine thanks to my awesome husband I was on the road to a better me. I had dropped almost 20 lbs in just one month and I felt like a million bucks. I continued to lose weight with this diet/lifestyle where at the time I didn’t know the difference between the two but I was seeing results of my hard work and that’s what had mattered. I was at my lowest weight as an adult.
I felt more confident, more alive and my brain was clearer than ever. Then, again, life hit me like a tonne of bricks. I started experiencing back pains that resulted in medical findings of sciatica and herniated disks in my back. Migraines so bad I would lose vision and pass out at work which resulted in me being tested and placed on 7 different medications to cope, undergoing lumbar punctures to drain fluid. Although to this day I still have no relief from migraines. I left a job where I was unhappy and started a new one, only to find out all that i just dug my own grave. Lost that job due to my availability because My husband’s work schedule switched to night shift so that meant I would be home alone with 3 kids at night( I am deathly afraid of the dark and being alone), the youngest (bless her busy soul) would get up during the night at least 5x and I was lacking sleep and I also had to swallow the idea of living on one income and becoming a homemaker.. It started to become more than I could handle and I quickly reverted back to my old habits of comfort eating. I comfort ate until I gained all 34 lbs I had lost plus 25 more pounds.
Now here I am in January 2016 heavier than I was when I started my lifestyle change 4 years ago. Chronic pain EVERYWHERE, high blood pressure, severe carpel tunnel in both hands all the way to my shoulders where surgery is my only option and a new ailment to add to my lengthy list…. a heart problem which at this point I am scared to go to sleep at night in fear that I won’t wake up in the morning to make the kids lunch, see them off to school, feel my stomach flutter watching my husbands truck roll up after a long nights work. Fear that I will not be able to maintain a life that I should have at 34. These last few months have really been an eye opener for me. I experienced a situation last week where I was in so much pain that I couldn’t move I ended up urinating on myself. It was the most embarrassing feeling ever. I felt like the years my husband fought to help me get healthier, support me when I was down was all done in vain, the guilt I have is unreal!. More importantly I felt defeated as well. Comfort eating has landed me in an internal jail. I am a prisoner in my own body and I take responsibility for getting myself here.
I know this journey will not be easy, I know I will stumble and fall but acknowledging that I have a problem is the first step in the right direction. I will be starting a healthier eating style as I did before because this is what worked best for me, I’ve enrolled myself back into the gym. As well for Christmas my husband got me a Fitbit HR which will help log my steps, heart rate and calories to get me back to where I was happy. So for me Happy new year doesn’t exist for me its more Happy New Day, a day where I’ve spoken the truth, admitted where I went wrong and know how to fix it. So many of us battle with these types of issues and not enough of us actually talk about it. I was hesitant to talk about this topic because I didn’t want anyone to think I was looking for pity. This is just another way for me to realize and share how dangerous comfort eating can get and how its time for me to get a grip on my life before its too late.
I also wanted to also share a few photos I captured along the way, with me when i first started eating better and exercising and when the weight started to creep back on. Along my journey I will be doing weekly or monthly check ins to show my progress. I hope that after reading this post it resonates with some of you battling the same demons that I have. I posted this in hopes that it would open a door to communicating with other individuals who fall into habits like this. Thanks for reading!