Health

My addiction to food + the first day of many more

Hello My name is Janella and I have an Addiction to Food

My addiction to food

This is my story

By the end of this post I will have exposed all my dirty laundry about myself in regards to food and my health. I have an addiction to food that has spiraled out of control and its time to get my life back.

Some people have addictions, to alcohol, sex, gambling, pills, stealing etc, and mine is to food. I suffer from Anxiety minor OCD, and depression and I am guilty of using food to self medicate my feelings. I don’t like to feel uncomfortable with my emotional issues and using food to numb the pain; I often feel takes the edge off. Many of you who are close to me see the selfies and  the other pictures that I post on social media.

However no one truly knows the daily battle of anxiety that I deal with its one of those topics where people are so uneducated about it, their comments are quite often irritating and hurtful. Living with Anxiety is both overbearing to my family as well as myself. Food is what I use as an outlet or distraction to take my mind off. Yes I said off, meaning no thinking. My brain is my worst enemy sometimes in terms of everyday life, it has instilled fears, brought up traumatic experiences, damaged my self esteem, my intimate life with my husband,my duties as a wife & mother and down right played tricks with me. Almost to the point where I sometimes think I am going insane. Over the last 4 years I had become more spiritual, I tried harder to pray obediently, kept still and listening to what God had planned for my life. I had my excessive comfort eating under control by doing daily devotionals and seeking medical help from my physician who then referred me to a Metabolic Doctor. There I was monitored and placed on a strict eating plan of just leafy greens, Extra lean protein no sugars, carbs, root veggies and low sodium which in turn had my IBS under control too . Along with being diligent with a strict fitness routine thanks to my awesome husband I was on the road to a better me. I had dropped almost 20 lbs in just one month and I felt like a million bucks. I continued to lose weight with this diet/lifestyle where at the time I didn’t know the difference between the two but I was seeing results of my hard work and that’s what had mattered. I was at my lowest weight as an adult.

I felt more confident, more alive and my brain was clearer than ever. Then, again,  life hit me like a tonne of bricks. I started experiencing back pains that resulted in medical findings of sciatica and  herniated disks in my back.  Migraines so bad I would lose vision and pass out at work which resulted in me being tested and placed on 7 different medications to cope, undergoing lumbar punctures to drain fluid. Although to this day I still have no relief from migraines. I left a job where I was unhappy and started a new one, only to find out all that i just dug my own grave. Lost that job due to my availability because My husband’s work schedule switched to night shift so that meant I would be home alone with 3 kids at night( I am deathly afraid of the dark and being alone), the youngest (bless her busy soul) would get up during the night at least 5x and I was lacking sleep and I also had to swallow the idea of living on one income and becoming a homemaker.. It started to become more than I could handle and I quickly reverted back to my old habits of comfort eating. I comfort ate until I gained all 34 lbs I had lost plus 25 more pounds.

Now here I am in January 2016 heavier than I was when I started my lifestyle change 4 years ago. Chronic pain EVERYWHERE, high blood pressure, severe carpel tunnel in both hands all the way to my shoulders where surgery is my only option and a new ailment to add to my lengthy list…. a heart problem which at this point I am scared to go to sleep at night in fear that I won’t wake up in the morning to make the kids lunch, see them off to school, feel my stomach flutter watching my husbands truck roll up after a long nights work. Fear that I will not be able to maintain a life that I should have at 34. These last few months have really been an eye opener for me. I experienced a situation last week where I was in so much pain that I couldn’t move I ended up urinating on myself. It was the most embarrassing feeling ever. I felt like the years my husband fought to help me get healthier, support me when I was down was all done in vain, the guilt I have is unreal!. More importantly I felt defeated as well. Comfort eating has landed me in an internal jail. I am a prisoner in my own body and I take responsibility for getting myself here.

I know this journey will not be easy, I know I will stumble and fall but acknowledging that I have a problem is the first step in the right direction. I will be starting a healthier eating style as I did before because this is what worked best for me, I’ve enrolled myself back into the gym. As well for Christmas my husband got me a Fitbit HR which will help log my steps, heart rate and calories to get me back to where I was happy. So for me Happy new year doesn’t exist for me its more Happy New Day, a day where I’ve spoken the truth, admitted where I went wrong and know how to fix it. So many of us battle with these types of issues and not enough of us actually talk about it. I was hesitant to talk about this topic because I didn’t want anyone to think I was looking for pity. This is just another way for me to realize and share how dangerous comfort eating can get and how its time for me to get a grip on my life before its too late.

I also wanted to also share a few photos I captured along the way, with me when i first started eating better and exercising and when the weight started to creep back on. Along my journey I will be doing weekly or monthly check ins to show my progress. I hope that after reading this post it resonates with some of you battling the same demons that I have. I posted this in hopes that it would open a door to communicating with other individuals who fall into habits like this. Thanks for reading!

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Weight Loss Journey

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23 Comments

  • Reply Heather

    You can do this, you can overcome! I have anxiety with a little OCD in the mix as well! My thoughts have been where yours are! Over the years God has given me the strength to overcome so much of my anxiety, I always remind myself of His truths and focus to push those thoughts and fears out! I use to work out and get healthy for a few months only to quit and gain it all back! I’ve prayed for consistency over the past year and overcome that struggle, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I know you can get where you want to be! Also keep in mind working out helps with anxiety and stress beautifully! ❤ praying for you!

    05/01/2016 at 6:04 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you Heather, I was not expecting the response that I have gotten writing this post. Thank you for your support and for reading

      06/01/2016 at 11:47 pm
  • Reply susancowe Susan Cowe Miller

    An admirable post. Courageous and I hope empowering.

    05/01/2016 at 6:11 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you susan it was hard to to but I feel alot better getting it out

      06/01/2016 at 11:48 pm
  • Reply Andrea

    you know what? just the fact that you’re even posting about it shows that you’re already headed in the right direction – BLESSINGS!

    05/01/2016 at 6:15 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you Andrea, its going to be a long road but I think I am ready to turn a new leaf

      06/01/2016 at 11:49 pm
  • Reply jackieroseb

    Im so sorry about your health issues, what are you doing this year to improve them?

    05/01/2016 at 7:45 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      I have been seeking medical help for quite some time

      06/01/2016 at 11:50 pm
  • Reply Lisa

    Food addictions are difficult! Nutrition is so key to helping overcome weight issues, so try your best to get back on the nutrition plan you were on before. Remember that God intended for to be a source of renewal for the body not a source of comfort. I believe you can do this! Hand it over to God and you will overcome!

    05/01/2016 at 8:05 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you Lisa for your words of encouragement. It means alot

      06/01/2016 at 11:51 pm
  • Reply Terri's Thoughts

    I’m addicted to food, i also battle anxiety! you are brave to tell it all on here but I’m proud of you

    05/01/2016 at 8:35 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thanks Terri my one of the reasons why I decided to write this post was to also reach out to those who were also in the same boat as I am

      06/01/2016 at 11:52 pm
  • Reply Jennifer

    Sounds like you were on a very strict plan. Maybe shoot for slower progress so the change is more manageable. In all my years of fighting my similar battles, I’ve learned to at least to make small changes one at a time because they become habits rather than shocking changes to everything that feels like prison. Choose two things to focus on for now. Like only drink water until you’ve had your 8 glasses or eat one serving of fruits or veggies before you eat anything else each meal. God doesn’t care what size you are, He wants you to be in his word and obedient. For me, that means small steps. I was lighter this January than last. Only about 15 lbs, but another 15 this year would be great. Just chip away instead of trying to do it all at once. You’ll get there!

    05/01/2016 at 9:52 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Yes Jennifer I was on a strict plan but given my track record of abusing food I need a strict plan especially because of my health issues. starting off easy isn’t an option. Which is okay with me. It was when I was most happy. I need to get back to my happy place. Thanks for your suggestions!

      06/01/2016 at 11:58 pm
      • Reply Jennifer

        I just know I stick to my diet so much better when I have some wiggle room. This year my goal is to drink water before I put food in my mouth and eat a fruit or veggie before carbs.

        07/01/2016 at 12:07 am
  • Reply Jamie

    Thank you for being brave enough to post this

    05/01/2016 at 10:03 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thanks Jamie it means alot!

      06/01/2016 at 11:58 pm
  • Reply Leslie

    You can do it girl! You did it once before and you can come back strong and do it again! Your a very beautiful woman & you can do anything you poor your mind to!

    05/01/2016 at 10:36 pm
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you Leslie for your encouraging words!

      06/01/2016 at 11:59 pm
  • Reply Alonda

    I have been sharing my struggle with being a sugar addict on my blog too! I hope you get just as much support as I have been getting from my readers!

    I have faith that you can overcome! We are overcomers!

    06/01/2016 at 12:41 am
    • Reply Ma Belle Vie

      Thank you Alonda! Its s tough struggle but you’re right we will oversome

      07/01/2016 at 12:00 am
  • Reply kage2015

    You are not alone. I have always struggled with weight and I love to cook, bake and make everything from scratch if I can. You and I can do this. Hang in there.

    08/01/2016 at 8:57 am
  • Reply Jessica

    So proud of you for broaching such a private subject! You’ll help so many people wth this post!

    09/01/2016 at 9:20 pm
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